INTERNATIONAL TREASURE HUNTERS & USEFUL GOODS SALVAGERS SOCIETY

 

BE IT STATED that this CREW ROSTER serves as an OFFICIAL UNION RECKONING of THE DREAD CREW, Maritime/New England region, North American Northeast (Woodship Barrow command unit [1] Gooperator offensive cannon [1])

Friday
11Dec2009

Hector THE WRECKER Gristle

Position: CAPTAIN

Tolerates: New ideas and dissent, strangely

Respected Because: He tolerates new ideas and dissent, strangely

Notorious For: Unmatched bellow

Nickname Origin: His mother

Unexpectedly Fastidious About: Having dry feet

Captain HECTOR GRISTLE has a beard and waist-long dreadlocks the colour of dried moss, affecting the illusion of snakes, as well as a complete disregard for the values of noble, just and fair citizenship.

Friday
11Dec2009

Vincent THE VILE Van Goon

Position: FIRST MATE (Second-in-Command)

Crossover Pirate-Corporate World Skill: Masterful influencer

Known for: Wordless intimidation

Pet Peeve: Big talkers

Little-Known Skill: Bluegrass banjo prodigy, fastest jig in Guysborough County

First Mate Vincent the VILE keeps a colony of maggots in his facial hair and is regarded as a formidable strategist. Despite a lifetime of criminal behaviour, he has never been apprehended.

Friday
11Dec2009

SCREAMIN' Meena

Position: NAVIGATOR

Personal Truth: There's no such thing as a map with a gut

Known Among Pirates For: An inclination towards plausibility that inclines her to never concede the ridiculousness of an idea

Known Among Gamblers For: Inability to resist a dare

Appreciates: Zeke's homemade squashed leech-oil lozenges

Navigator SCREEMIN’ Meena is completely bald, her skull covered in oozing warts of an unknown diagnosis. Not speculated to be a talent in the science of route-finding, she is said to rely on instinct, and dispatches coordinates when the (extremely loud) ship is in motion.

Friday
11Dec2009

SLIMEBUCKET Sam

Position: GUNNER

Personal Weakness: Conundrums deemed unsolvable

Reputation: Ferociously territorial, founding crewmember, elder

Born: Roughly

Currency of Respect: Has never once been stumped

Gunner SLIMEBUCKET Sam, a toothless sack of skin-and-bones, is believed to hold one of the most esteemed positions on ship—gunner in charge of the pirates’ most feared and loathed weapon, the Gooperator. He is also rumoured to be its inventor, but this has not been verified.

Friday
11Dec2009

Johnnie GOLDEN

Position: LOGDRIVER

Renowned For: Room-filling dignity, encyclopedic knowledge of all things evergreen and deciduous.

Compliment Paid Upon His Birth That Still Holds True Today: 'Well turned-out'

Origin of Nickname: The layer of the fine golden dust of his calling that clings constantly to his skin, lending him a grand air

Desert Island Tool: Chainsaw

Logdriver Johnnie GOLDEN is a wood engineer. During ship breakdown, his orders are said to be paramount and followed without question. He is also rumoured to be the crewmember with the most colourful language (no small feat).

Friday
11Dec2009

FETCHIN' Gretchen

Position: COXSWAIN (Brute Wrangler)

Turned to Piracy Because: Will not abide pantyhose

Notorious For: Demanding from others no less than her own physical stamina

Hides from Other Pirates: Fondness for quiche, a backful of accidental devil's club stings

Coxswain FETCHIN’ Gretchen, hailed as the ugliest pirate of all with chronic facial pustules and six toes on one foot, is in charge of the Brutes. She works with a bale of stinging devil’s club lashed to her back, and is said to use it, and is also said have very little patience.

Friday
11Dec2009

FAMOUS Amos

Position: BRUTE

Special Talent: On-the-fly invention of personal grooming products from natural sources found in woodland bogs

Unbreakable Habit: The Johnny Cash songbook

Enlisted in Piracy Because: Tuna fishing does not bode well for a man of dory-sinking proportions

Aspiration He Thinks Is Secret: Hollywood

Brute FAMOUS Amos cannot pass a mirror without stopping to admire himself—an exploitable weakness during pursuit. He is one of three brutes on crew for sheer muscle power.

Friday
11Dec2009

IRONBOUND Ike

Position: BRUTE

The Upside of Being Tongueless: An excuse for a pre-existing preference for saying very little

Origins: The scallop beds of the Digby shore

Little-Known Fact: Perhaps the most widely-travelled of all the pirates, Ike is the keeper of more epic stories than all the others put together

Brute IRONBOUND Ike has no tongue. His wordless shouts are said to cause little or no communication barrier among the crew. We are informed he repeatedly charades the means of his accidental tongue amputation, but so far all attempts to recreate the incident have been reported as incomprehensible. Ike is one of three brutes on crew for sheer muscle power.

Friday
11Dec2009

Ewsula THE BARBARIAN

Position: BRUTE

Origins: Descended from the rarely-seen Norsemen of Newfoundland—a remote Viking encampment of raiders that initially landed at L'Anse-aux-Meadows, then moved to the wilds of Labrador where they have thrived undiluted by ordinary folk for hundreds of years

Thrilled By: Oversized junk

Reputation: As shrewd as she is strong

Brute Ewsula the BARBARIAN wears a necklace of rat tails and is the largest of all the crew, far beyond recordbooks. Her origins are uncertain. Ewsula is one of three brutes on crew for sheer muscle power.

Friday
11Dec2009

FUNKY Phezekiah (Phezzie)

Position: MACHINIST

Notorious for: Ritualistic superstitiousness, unintentional humour

Known For: An instinctual ear for cantankerous motors

Prefers: A bounty of everything

Personal Truth: There's no such thing as ghosts in machines—only crickets in heads

Machinist FUNKY Phezekiah is said to have not bathed in many years, and thus does not accompany the crew on ambush or downwind-facing missions. He is assumed to be in charge of engineworks and all metal moving parts.

Friday
11Dec2009

ILL Willie Cusson

Position: HUCKSTER, Explosives Expert

Little-Known Fact: Mishaps are most often caused not by lack of knowledge but by bounty of nerve

Secret Weapon: A lilt of speech that makes all manner of outlandishness seem plausible

Born: Isle Miscou, Acadie (Nouveau-Brunswick)

Culinary weakness: Sun-dried eyes of lobster

Huckster ILL WILLIE Cusson is in charge of tricks, disguises, diversions and booby-traps, although it is believed that successful stunts are more happenstance than skill. He appears to be the smallest of the crew, but makes up for his diminished stature by blowing things up.

Friday
11Dec2009

WEDGIE Reggie

Position: JURY RIGGER

Notorious For: Causing inopportune security breaches

Famed Accomplishment: Nine consecutive wins at the T.H.U.G.S.S. International Jury-Riggers Challenge, Featherweight Division

Desert Island Tool: Duct Tape

Personal Truth: The jury-rigger's life is not bound by art or science, but merely by clever adhesion

Jury-Rigger WEDGIE Reggie suffers from chronic eructation and dyspepsia, resulting in near-constant flatus and epic belching. His primary role involves rapidfire repair work with found and stolen materials. Secondary station: crew comedian.

Friday
11Dec2009

Zeke THE GREEK Popadopoulos

Position: SLOPJACK

Most Favourite Galley Task: Kneading smashed bugs into loaves for homemade roach bacon

Least Favourite Galley Task: Picking unwanted lily pad petals from his slow-simmered pond scum stock

Pet Peeve: Impatient bellies

Militant About: His space, his tools, his shelves, his ingredients (in the galley, Zeke is Captain)

Slopjack Zeke THE GREEK Popadopoulos is rumoured, by necessity, to be a master scavenger. He is afforded one gigantic pot, one gigantic knife, and one gigantic stirring spoon—a simple 2x4 with a scooped-out end—which is also said to be used upon the backsides of crew who hover as he cooks.

Friday
11Dec2009


CRANKY Frankie

Position: KNOTJACK (probationary status; awaiting union certification)

Habit That Should Be Kept Secret But Is Not: Sends a postcard to his mother from every plunder

Notorious For: Demonstrating rampage-inappropriate kindness to animals and ordinary folk

Strength: Relentless optimism

Of Knotjack CRANKY Frankie virtually nothing is known. A comparatively non-threatening companion has been sighted on-ship and is rumoured to be the crew’s ropemaster, but upon undercover questioning, another crewmember insisted that legitimate pirates would never be heard to exclaim “Twist my knickers!” during raid or pursuit (investigative conclusion: pending).