BE IT STATED that this CREW ROSTER serves as an OFFICIAL UNION RECKONING of THE DREAD CREW, Maritime/New England region, North American Northeast (Woodship Barrow command unit [1] Gooperator offensive cannon [1])
Hector THE WRECKER Gristle
Position: CAPTAIN
Tolerates: New ideas and dissent, strangely
Respected Because: He tolerates new ideas and dissent, strangely
Notorious For: Unmatched bellow
Nickname Origin: His mother
Unexpectedly Fastidious About: Having dry feet
Captain HECTOR GRISTLE has a beard and waist-long dreadlocks the colour of dried moss, affecting the illusion of snakes, as well as a complete disregard for the values of noble, just and fair citizenship.
Vincent THE VILE Van Goon
Position: FIRST MATE (Second-in-Command)
Crossover Pirate-Corporate World Skill: Masterful influencer
Known for: Wordless intimidation
Pet Peeve: Big talkers
Little-Known Skill: Bluegrass banjo prodigy, fastest jig in Guysborough County
First Mate Vincent the VILE keeps a colony of maggots in his facial hair and is regarded as a formidable strategist. Despite a lifetime of criminal behaviour, he has never been apprehended.
Position: NAVIGATOR
Personal Truth: There's no such thing as a map with a gut
Known Among Pirates For: An inclination towards plausibility that inclines her to never concede the ridiculousness of an idea
Known Among Gamblers For: Inability to resist a dare
Appreciates: Zeke's homemade squashed leech-oil lozenges
Navigator SCREEMIN’ Meena is completely bald, her skull covered in oozing warts of an unknown diagnosis. Not speculated to be a talent in the science of route-finding, she is said to rely on instinct, and dispatches coordinates when the (extremely loud) ship is in motion.
SLIMEBUCKET Sam
Position: GUNNER
Personal Weakness: Conundrums deemed unsolvable
Reputation: Ferociously territorial, founding crewmember, elder
Born: Roughly
Currency of Respect: Has never once been stumped
Gunner SLIMEBUCKET Sam, a toothless sack of skin-and-bones, is believed to hold one of the most esteemed positions on ship—gunner in charge of the pirates’ most feared and loathed weapon, the Gooperator. He is also rumoured to be its inventor, but this has not been verified.
Position: LOGDRIVER
Renowned For: Room-filling dignity, encyclopedic knowledge of all things evergreen and deciduous.
Compliment Paid Upon His Birth That Still Holds True Today: 'Well turned-out'
Origin of Nickname: The layer of the fine golden dust of his calling that clings constantly to his skin, lending him a grand air
Desert Island Tool: Chainsaw
Logdriver Johnnie GOLDEN is a wood engineer. During ship breakdown, his orders are said to be paramount and followed without question. He is also rumoured to be the crewmember with the most colourful language (no small feat).
FETCHIN' Gretchen
Position: COXSWAIN (Brute Wrangler)
Turned to Piracy Because: Will not abide pantyhose
Notorious For: Demanding from others no less than her own physical stamina
Hides from Other Pirates: Fondness for quiche, a backful of accidental devil's club stings
Coxswain FETCHIN’ Gretchen, hailed as the ugliest pirate of all with chronic facial pustules and six toes on one foot, is in charge of the Brutes. She works with a bale of stinging devil’s club lashed to her back, and is said to use it, and is also said have very little patience.
FAMOUS Amos
Position: BRUTE
Special Talent: On-the-fly invention of personal grooming products from natural sources found in woodland bogs
Unbreakable Habit: The Johnny Cash songbook
Enlisted in Piracy Because: Tuna fishing does not bode well for a man of dory-sinking proportions
Aspiration He Thinks Is Secret: Hollywood
Brute FAMOUS Amos cannot pass a mirror without stopping to admire himself—an exploitable weakness during pursuit. He is one of three brutes on crew for sheer muscle power.
IRONBOUND Ike
Position: BRUTE
The Upside of Being Tongueless: An excuse for a pre-existing preference for saying very little
Origins: The scallop beds of the Digby shore
Little-Known Fact: Perhaps the most widely-travelled of all the pirates, Ike is the keeper of more epic stories than all the others put together
Brute IRONBOUND Ike has no tongue. His wordless shouts are said to cause little or no communication barrier among the crew. We are informed he repeatedly charades the means of his accidental tongue amputation, but so far all attempts to recreate the incident have been reported as incomprehensible. Ike is one of three brutes on crew for sheer muscle power.
Ewsula THE BARBARIAN
Position: BRUTE
Origins: Descended from the rarely-seen Norsemen of Newfoundland—a remote Viking encampment of raiders that initially landed at L'Anse-aux-Meadows, then moved to the wilds of Labrador where they have thrived undiluted by ordinary folk for hundreds of years
Thrilled By: Oversized junk
Reputation: As shrewd as she is strong
Brute Ewsula the BARBARIAN wears a necklace of rat tails and is the largest of all the crew, far beyond recordbooks. Her origins are uncertain. Ewsula is one of three brutes on crew for sheer muscle power.
FUNKY Phezekiah (Phezzie)
Position: MACHINIST
Notorious for: Ritualistic superstitiousness, unintentional humour
Known For: An instinctual ear for cantankerous motors
Prefers: A bounty of everything
Personal Truth: There's no such thing as ghosts in machines—only crickets in heads
Machinist FUNKY Phezekiah is said to have not bathed in many years, and thus does not accompany the crew on ambush or downwind-facing missions. He is assumed to be in charge of engineworks and all metal moving parts.
ILL Willie Cusson
Position: HUCKSTER, Explosives Expert
Little-Known Fact: Mishaps are most often caused not by lack of knowledge but by bounty of nerve
Secret Weapon: A lilt of speech that makes all manner of outlandishness seem plausible
Born: Isle Miscou, Acadie (Nouveau-Brunswick)
Culinary weakness: Sun-dried eyes of lobster
Huckster ILL WILLIE Cusson is in charge of tricks, disguises, diversions and booby-traps, although it is believed that successful stunts are more happenstance than skill. He appears to be the smallest of the crew, but makes up for his diminished stature by blowing things up.
WEDGIE Reggie
Position: JURY RIGGER
Notorious For: Causing inopportune security breaches
Famed Accomplishment: Nine consecutive wins at the T.H.U.G.S.S. International Jury-Riggers Challenge, Featherweight Division
Desert Island Tool: Duct Tape
Personal Truth: The jury-rigger's life is not bound by art or science, but merely by clever adhesion
Jury-Rigger WEDGIE Reggie suffers from chronic eructation and dyspepsia, resulting in near-constant flatus and epic belching. His primary role involves rapidfire repair work with found and stolen materials. Secondary station: crew comedian.
Zeke THE GREEK Popadopoulos
Position: SLOPJACK
Most Favourite Galley Task: Kneading smashed bugs into loaves for homemade roach bacon
Least Favourite Galley Task: Picking unwanted lily pad petals from his slow-simmered pond scum stock
Pet Peeve: Impatient bellies
Militant About: His space, his tools, his shelves, his ingredients (in the galley, Zeke is Captain)
Slopjack Zeke THE GREEK Popadopoulos is rumoured, by necessity, to be a master scavenger. He is afforded one gigantic pot, one gigantic knife, and one gigantic stirring spoon—a simple 2x4 with a scooped-out end—which is also said to be used upon the backsides of crew who hover as he cooks.
CRANKY Frankie
Position: KNOTJACK (probationary status; awaiting union certification)
Habit That Should Be Kept Secret But Is Not: Sends a postcard to his mother from every plunder
Notorious For: Demonstrating rampage-inappropriate kindness to animals and ordinary folk
Strength: Relentless optimism
Of Knotjack CRANKY Frankie virtually nothing is known. A comparatively non-threatening companion has been sighted on-ship and is rumoured to be the crew’s ropemaster, but upon undercover questioning, another crewmember insisted that legitimate pirates would never be heard to exclaim “Twist my knickers!” during raid or pursuit (investigative conclusion: pending).