You Are: First Mate Vincent Van Goon
You never stop scheming. But you know what? Without schemers, nothing would ever happen in the world and we'd all be content and boring and we'd never stretch beyond very tiny and limited worlds.
Despite your formidable ambitions and brainpower you don't crave the spotlight. You prefer to be in the background with the knowledge that you make things happen—by influencing others, by rallying people to work together, by pulling genius ideas out of thin air and through sheer force of personality.
No one would want to cross you in a dark alley. You can be surly and abrupt, but smart people can see straight away that they want you on their side. You can't stand it when people pontificate, drone on or otherwise engage in false bravado. Cause you? There's nothing remotely false about you. You are the real thing. You mean business, and take everything seriously—even having fun.
You're moody and cranky, but you've got street smarts. You can get away with anything.
First Mate Vincent the VILE keeps a colony of maggots in his facial hair and is regarded as a formidable strategist. Despite a lifetime of criminal behaviour, he has never been apprehended.